How to Affair Proof Your Relationship

There is a category of people who can be called married singles. These are the people who once upon a time where happy with each other, got married, but did not live happily ever after.

Instead the demands of daily life, building careers, raising children became so consuming and stressful that they neglected to make meaningful time for each other. The married couple continued to handle their daily living demands however the emotional connection between them suffered.

Gradually they grew further and further apart, each feeling very alone. The married singles lifestyle had crept softly into their life and they accepted it as that is the way it is.

The majority of extramarital affairs begin as “just friends.” While it is certainly true that there are affairs that begin with impulsive one-night stands with a stranger, the most common ones that I see begin as “just friends.” In fact, if you find yourself thinking or saying “but we are just friends” you are probably already in trouble.

Gary Rosberg of America’s Family Coaches states that there are at least 19 stages a person will pass through on the way to physically consummating an extramarital affair. There are at least two important notions that we can lift from Rosberg’s statement:

1) At each and every one of the 19 steps, you have a clear choice between going further down or stopping the process. In other words, these things don’t “just happen.”

2) An affair – by the way, I hate that term!

It makes it sound like it is this wonderful experience with no consequences … as in “It was a grand affair.” In my marital counseling and relationship coaching experience, adultery breaks up marriages, wrecks families and crushes kids.

Anyway, now that my rant is over, an affair becomes adultery long before the physical act. In fact, emotional affairs can be stronger and more difficult to get out of than physical affairs.

For Harry it happened when his job started to involve travel. He had been unhappy for a while but had not shared with his wife how he was feeling. While having a drink at his hotel a woman started a conversation with him.

It felt wonderful to be talking and have someone listening to him. In another marriage it was Mary who got into an affair. Mary had a co-worker with whom she enjoyed talking and they became good friends.

The emotional connection is what she loved. After a while the attraction to each other grew and they became involved. Gwen found her emotional connection in chat rooms.

You admit your attraction for each other, but promise (complain) that you can never act on it. You fantasize what it would be like to be with this person. This helps to create a pretend world where everything would be wonderful if the two of you could just be together.

One of the most overlooked and dangerous facts about emotional affairs is that we are all vulnerable. If you believe that this fact does not apply to you, then you are even more vulnerable than everyone else.

How to protect yourself and your relationship

Keep clear boundaries. A boundary is simply what kids mean when they say “don’t go there.”

Avoid being alone with and/or emotionally close to someone to whom you are attracted.

If they desire to stay together they will have to see if they can move from operating as married singles into a relationship where they feel emotionally connected. This will involve making a commitment to work towards that goal and being open to getting help with the process of regaining a loving relationship

Resource Author Francisco Rodriguez Higueras
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