The Relationship Tip

Most marriage problems stem from a lack of communication in the marital relationship. While most couples would tell you that they work hard to communicate with their spouse, most spouses feel that there is a lack of communication on their partner’s behalf. This is mostly because from each person’s perspective they believe that they are effectively communicating their point of view, but the information is not being clearly received on the other side.

A lack of communication, however, is actually something that can be resolved relatively simply and one of the best ways to resolve it is to set up communication rules. This means basically guidelines that will help improve the effectiveness of your communication as a couple.

1. Use A Talking Object- When one partner is talking the other needs to be quietly listening, and this can only happen when you are taking turns. Most couples will talk over each other, because they are so anxious to make their point and they wind up missing what the other person is saying. Using an object that is held for the purpose of communicating can really help couples take their time to talk and also their time to listen. This object is held by the person who is talking and helps to create an environment where one person has the floor and the other one is just listening.

2. Stay Focused On One Issue At A Time- What often happens when a couple is discussing something, they tend to get off track and bring up issues from the past. This is not a means to effective communication, and is also not what the issue is at the moment. Even if you think that something from the past also relates to what you are discussing, it should still not be brought into the current conversation. If you stay focused on one issue at a time, you will be able to effectively communicate and resolve all issues that you, as a couple, are facing.

3. Think Before You Speak- Attempt to not discuss issues instantly, as an alternative have a waiting period. Generally as something first comes about everybody can be a bit more defensive as well as roused. Making a special day and time to sit down and address issues for the week, serves as a more beneficial way to discuss situations. After a brief time has elapsed you’ll in all probability be better capable to converse about the issue without converting the communicating into a fired up confrontation.

Avoid marriage problems logging onto www.lightyourfire.com. It is a place where you can read advice and testimonies as well as purchase programs that are a form of in home marriage counseling.

One of the hardest things to do is basically to seek help from other people when your marriage is having problems. Marriage is something so private and intimate and this is probably due to that fact.

But because it is definitely so intimate, there are actually a lot of reasons to seek marriage counseling when you need help. Well in this article we are going to discuss some questions and issues that people have, concerning marriage counseling.

First of all, if you do go and get help, who does the marriage counseling? The people who do the counseling are people who have been licensed as Marriage and Family Therapists. They are trained very well to diagnose and treat mental and emotional issues. As a marriage therapist I was required to participate in two years of clinical experience. All therapists will have this requirement so definitely you can truly trust they have experience.

Whether or not these people are psychiatrists, it is basically another thing that comes to mind. Although they are not they do go through an extensive post graduate training. They could actually go as high as a doctoral program with it.

So although they are basically not a psychiatrist, but the training and qualifications are usually very high. That is one thing I inform my clients of my family therapist practice. Proper training and professional schooling is absolutely required and done by all therapists.

Finally most people are concerned with the cost of a counseling session. This is certainly an understandable concern but however, cost shouldn\’t be an issue when you think about how important a resolution is. But generally most sessions will cost about $100. That is generally what one session in my marriage counseling practice goes for.

So hopefully these answers will help you feel confident in seeking help. When your marriage is on the line you want to do whatever you can to save it. Seeking help from a qualified and professional marriage counselor will definitely be a step in the right direction you must take.

Marriages can break families up. Seek help from this family counselor San Diego. Relationship problems can be dealt with using this couples therapy San Diego service.

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The source of “true marriage healing” lies within the spiritual aspects of who we are. How do I know this? Because I’ve been to marriage counseling, and I have read all the self-help marriage books, and because, I did all the things “they say” that are supposed to help you love who you married.

But the reality of it is folks, there is no magic pill or potion you can take, and there is no person, besides you, that is going to heal your marriage as it is meant to be healed.
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You never thought it would happen to you. But now here you are today… faced with the most important decision of your life.

No matter what circumstances led to the current condition of your marriage, all that doesn’t matter anymore. All that matters now is that you need to find a solution to your marriage problems. You desperately want to keep your family together, but the problem is – you want a solution that works.

Most people think that when marriages take a turn for the worst; the only solution is marriage counseling.

But when you turn to marriage counseling, the focus is on behavior, action and doing. And in fact, it’s very possible that you could DO all the tips, techniques and offered to you by your marriage counselor, yet still wind up unhappy and frustrated with each other. Why?

Pastor and international marriage expert, Mark Gungor’s has one of the best answers I’ve seen. He makes a wonderful point that we just don’t hear enough. Here’s what he said:

“If your view of marriage is flawed, all the energy and strategy you are using (such as our marriage will be better if we just do this or change that) will end in failure…you must work on your marriage BECAUSE you believe it IS valuable, not because you are trying to make it valuable.”

Did you know that most marriage counselors do not believe your marriage IS valuable? Many of them have already divorced, so why would they see your marriage as any more valuable than their own?

They believe marriage is simply expendable and that the kids will be ok. They hold the belief that not all couples are meant to be together which is why they are so quick to give up on your marriage.

Now I know I’m making a generalization about ALL marriage counselors and I do realize that there are some “renegade” marriage counselors who do not follow these beliefs. But based on the countless “horror stories” from the couples I’ve worked with over the years, these counselors are few and far between.

What kind of “horror stories” you ask? Good question.

I know this may be difficult to believe, but many of the couples I’ve worked with over the years who have attended marriage counseling told me that their marriage counselor actually advised them to DIVORCE!

These couples attended marriage counseling because they wanted to save their marriage, not hear from an “expert” that their marriage is hopeless!

In fact, there have been statistics recently that stated 80% of marriages that end up in divorce could have been saved if the couple had only received the proper help they needed.

And as time goes on…while our divorce rate continues to remain at 50%, the truth about marriage counseling is increasingly gaining more exposure with new alternatives to marriage counseling popping up all over the net.

Now the REAL question you must ask yourself is this…

If the two of you don’t believe your marriage IS valuable, and worth doing every positive thing you can to make it healthy again (marriage counseling not in the list), then what hope can you have for your marriage?

The reason couples end up in the offices of marriage counselors is because they want somebody to help them do what they’re not able to do… believe their marriage IS valuable. Talk to virtually any couple who has been to a marriage counselor and you’ll find them in agreement.

But the sad truth is that most marriage counselors just don’t believe marriage itself IS valuable.

What all this boils down to is this:

Marriage Counselors need to take a good look at their massive failure rate and realize that they’re doing more harm than good.

Ultimately, the real reason for their failure to save marriages may have something to do with their initial schooling and education.

Most people don’t know this, but marriage counseling as taught in universities isn’t marriage counseling at all. It’s therapy for individuals.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples, (Dr. William J. Doherty, Minneapolis MN)

As a result, they prefer to work with each person individually, instead of as a couple.

So my advice to you is…

If you’re considering seeing a marriage counselor, take this as your alternative view. If your marriage problems persist, you’re far better off with a weekend marriage seminar or a marriage coach than a marriage counselor.

In fact, do a quick search in Google for “alternative to marriage counseling”. What you’ll find is a variety of solutions that don’t involve marriage counseling. And very often these alternatives are less expensive, less invasive and not at all emotionally draining – much unlike what you might find in traditional marriage counseling.

Get the full story on couples counseling and why it’s not at all what it’s cracked up to be. For a solution-oriented marriage counseling alternative, visit Larry Bilotta’s website at FulfilledCouple.com to get your marriage back on track and put an end to your marriage problems.

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Accepting that you require the marriage counselor assistance is the initial step to saving your distressed marriage. When you and your partner have recognized the need for expert assistance, you two will have to select a marriage counselor jointly.

Selecting a marriage counselor is extremely a private thing. The correct marriage counselor for you spouse and you is one that makes you feel at ease with and develop assurance in their capacity to assist you sort out your marital problems.

You might find marriage counselors who are greatly recommended and who my have assisted associates and members of your family, but if you don’t develop trust and faith in the marriage counselor they will not be able to assist you.
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Because husbands and wives are not perfect, marriages are also bound to have imperfections. A marriage isn’t all times good and all times bad-it’s a combination of both.

Marriage issues and problems will always be part of the relationship. These issues can range from simple and small problems to real serious ones, but all of them are capable of destroying a relationship when not handled correctly. If you will notice, these problems have brought forth the popularity of marriage counseling and therapy.

The following are three of the typical issues modern couples face today:

Communication is one problem that many husbands and wives face. Communication is a common source of pressure and stress in the life of many husbands and wives. It’s common in man to want to please others, and it sometimes lead to the failure to communicate what one truly feels in a relationship.

Many people also avoid confrontation and sometimes choose to let a problem sit for a while. However, the longer the problem stays unresolved, the harder it is to fix. So, couples must always keep the communications lines open. To keep issues from getting bigger, they should be dealt with as soon as they arise.

Many couples also deal with problems with honesty and trust. Losing trust on one’s partner is easy once dishonesty is involved. And, all it takes is one dishonest act to destroy the trust of your partner on you.

And without trust, all other problems can easily break a couple. Gossip can easily cause misunderstandings and division, and suspicions can give way to quarrels and more problems. It is therefore important to practice honesty to each other and to always trust one another.

Simple and small things-these are usually the last cause of problems among husbands and wives. Among these are the sharing of domestic tasks, the day to day decisions to be made, the showing of appreciation to one’s spouse, and the perceptibility to the other’s feelings.

Many couples do not care about the seemingly simple day-to-day stuff they encounter in marriage, not realizing how much they influence the relationship.

Therefore, it’s important to pay attention to these things. Couple must see to it that they do not grow too comfortable with each other to the point that some things are already ignored.

No marriage is ever perfect, yes, but couples can still enjoy a happy marriage if they properly address all the imperfections and marriage issues confronting their relationship.

Article by Jagger O. Mansbridge

I am a wife and a proud mother of three children. I am also an advocate of solving marriage issues

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Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially…but cost you your marriage as well.

In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.

According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.

Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.

All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling – they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.

In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, “Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn’t work as well as we once thought and it might not last.” That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.

This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.

Up to 38% of them actually divorced.

Perhaps what’s even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.

If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more “productive” than working with couples.

Dr. William J. Doherty stated, “Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce”.

After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, “Hazardous to your marital health.”

He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.

According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage…

1. By being incompetent

2. By being neutral

3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is “sick”)

4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)

INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.

NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. “When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage.” Doherty stated.

PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a “sick” relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, “Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?” These marriage counselors make couples believe that they’re being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: “If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too.”

UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, “You should probably end this marriage.” or, “If you’re going to stay sane, you should move out.” Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.

If you’re looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists’ values by asking questions like these:

1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?

Bad Answer: College educated.

Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.

2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?

Bad Answer: “It’s not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision.” (This is an evasive answer…not a good sign.)

Good Answer: “I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems.”

3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?

Bad Answer: “I try to get people to understand their own feelings.” (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)

Good Answer: “This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways.”

4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?

Bad Answer: “I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical.”

Good Answer: “All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate.”

5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?

Bad Answer: “100%” or “I don’t keep that type of information.”

Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.

The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you’re hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you’re looking for.

Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the “Secret Path” to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.

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Do you think your marriage relationship is falling apart because you and your spouse seem to lose the spark in the relationship and you’re not making love anymore?

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Lack of communication is listed as one of the main causes for an unhappy marriage and even divorce. That’s really not unexpected. When you were a baby and weren’t able to communicate, what did you do? You cried and threw a tantrum until somebody figured out what your needs were. Now that you’re grown up that won’t work although it’s tried in some form by many spouses.

Good communication needs practice. Remember, you’re communicating even though you may not be talking.Your body language and expressions can speak a lot about what you like and dislike. Facial expressions say a lot too. Do you still smile at your spouse?
Some spouses are afraid to smile or be too nice for fear of being asked to do something they don’t want to do.

If that’s your attitude, maybe it’s time to talk. If you’re not happy with your relationship be honest about it and demand a solution. Solutions usually start at the negotiating table where both parties are inclined to negotiate and come up with a solution both can live with.

Find a nice and comfortable time to communicate. If either of you has a pressing project that needs to be completed or an upcoming appointment, then agree to a more convenient time. At least you’ve made the effort and the cards are on the table. Don’t trap your partner in a situation where they must listen such as driving to visit the in laws. You may not be in a good mood when you arrive if this happens.

Be tactful in suggesting a talk is necessary. Don’t be demanding but suggest you’d like to visit a while about such and such as soon as they have time. This gives both of you some time to summarize your idealisation. It’s not good to come to the table without preparation. Know what you’re unhappy with and how you’d suggest the problem be solved.

Once you’re talking, be a good listener. Listening is as important as talking. If your partner is not as good at communicating as you then counterbalance it.  Repeat what they’ve said by commenting something like “Here’s what I think you’re trying to say.” Don’t talk down to your spouse and make them feel inadequate.Both opinions are equally significant.

Do not get disturbed while talking like the radio or TV and certainly not when the kids are present. Bringing up a problem during dinner is not appropriate.  That would qualify as trapping your partner and problem ruin both your appetites. Your attention must be undivided and you must make eye contact. Allow enough time for a complete discussion.

Look for a solution but if one is not reached, reschedule a time to continue.Do not give up. Remember there’s another world besides yours and you must live in both.
Compromise is always a good choice. If you’re wrong, take responsibility and change. If no solution is evident, professional help may be needed.Communication will not solve all your difficulties but it’s a good startup.