The Relationship Tip

The Battered Women’s Movement and Clinical Psychology are as far apart as the North and South Pole. However, many people outside of these circles/disciplines believe domestic abuse treatment and advocacy are sub-specialties of the practice of psychology. Not at all so!

After I fled from the danger I lived in Chicago, I retreated into a life of solace and wrote a book detailing my experience of family violence and legal domestic abuse. Creating that publication was the most amazing experience of my life-right up there with the birth of a child. It was my fourth child.

With the enthusiasm of a child, I approached individuals in the domestic violence arena, eager to share what I had learned and produced in the manuscript. Initially, I was not received well and couldn’t understand why, until an individual from the inner circle of the Battered Women’s Movement shared the inside politics with me.

“You will have a hard time breaking into this line of work,” she said, “because you are a psychologist.” Funny thing is I thought this was my asset, until she helped me realized it was my liability among battered women.

She explained that historically the psychologists were used in re-victimizing survivors of domestic abuse at the bequest of their perpetrators. And over the years, actually decades, they became the enemies of battered women.

I have since learned that this is understandably so, especially for women residing in domestic violence shelters. It is estimated that over 90% of women going through the abuse shelter system will be “certified” (i.e. blessed with a psychiatric diagnosis) by virtue of their navigating the mental health care system-while in route to safety-as a survivor of domestic violence.

This truly disturbed me, as a practicing psychologist and domestic abuse survivor. Even more disturbing was the fact that I could find little to no domestic violence curricula offered in psychological training.

In no way am I suggesting that one not seek the services of domestic abuse advocacy; to the contrary. I strongly believe in the work of domestic abuse advocates. However, I recognize that when utilizing domestic abuse advocacy, one must be mindful of the importance of also securing the expertise of a mental health professional, authentically knowledgeable in domestic violence.

The front line treatment for domestic violence and the actual practice of professional psychology are truly as far apart as the automotive industry and the practice of dentistry. I vowed to commit myself to helping bridge this huge knowledge and service gap, such that professional psychology and general healthcare delivery serves as an extension of domestic abuse advocacy.

Author: Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D.
Article Source: EzineArticles.com
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Each day can bring fear into the lives of women all around the world, and it does not matter how much money you have, where you live, what you do for a living, or who your friends are. If you are a victim of domestic violence then you are being treated in a manner that is not and should not be tolerated in todays society.

Domestic violence is an extremely serious matter and should be treated as such. Domestic violence can be verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse or sexual assault. Many times occurrences of domestic abuse result in permanent physical injuries or death.

The majority of domestic violence victims do not talk about the problems that they are going through at home, or try to remedy the situation until its too late.

Domestic abuse comes in many different forms including screaming threats, pushing or shoving, economic abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, using threats against your children, isolation, and any other means used to maintain an atmosphere of fear, intimidation and power. Regardless of where you live, the person most likely to be responsible for domestic violence is the men of the family.

Domestic violence will usually fall into one or more of the following categories, all of which are illegal and considered a criminal act.

Psychological battery, when the abuser uses mental and verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness, isolation, regulating that amount of food, money, clothing, and sometimes destroying personal belongings.
Physical battery, which can consist of physical attacks and aggressive acts that can range from pushing and shoving, bodily harm to murder.

Sexual abuse is a type of physical attack that is accompanied by or ends in sexual violence against the victim.

Consider that each year some 4 million American women will be the victim of an assault by an intimate partner or friend. Statistics also show that 1 out of 3 adult females will experience at least one physical assault during their lifetime.

Knowing this information and being prepared to defend yourself and your children from an abusive partner may be the only thing that saves your life and the lives of your loved ones.

If you are a victim of domestic violence there are some very important things that you need to understand.

The abuse is not your fault.
You and your children do not deserve to be abused.
To continue in a relationship that is abusive will not stop the abuse.
If your partner is abusive you cannot change them.
Over time the abuse will get worse.

YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE ABUSE- FIGHT BACK DONT BE A VICTIM!

Many women do not want to admit that the relationship they are in or the men they think that they are in love with are abusive. Some women may not even realize that the relationship they are in would be considered and Abusive Relationship. Here are a few things that you may want to ask yourself about your intimate partner or relationship.

Do you often agree with your partner because you are afraid of you partners reaction if you do not agree?
Does you partners temper frighten you?
Are your decisions about activities and friends made according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react?
Have there been situations where you have had to apologize for your partners actions or behavior?

Has you partner ever pushed, punched, kicked, or reacted aggressively towards you when he is angry? Do you agree with or consent to your partner to avoid getting him angry?
Do you use alcohol or drugs, or join you partner in using alcohol or drugs so he wont get upset or angry.

No woman deserves to be the victim of domestic violence and there are some signs that can be looked for in a man that may give you a hint that he may become abusive once in a relationship.

Does he want to know where you are at all the time?
Is he extremely jealous?
Does he get upset if you spend time with your family or friends?
Threatens you with violence.
Uses others or you as an excuse for his problems.
Tries to isolate you from your family and friends.

If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship and want to get out call 911 for immediate help. For additional resources and help call the following:

1.National Domestic Violence/Child Abuse/Sexual Abuse Hotline at 800-799-SAFE or 800-799- 7233, 800-787-3224 TDD
2.Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-829-1122
3.Nationwide RAINN National Rape Crisis Hotline: 800-656-4673

Sheri Gray is writer and webmaster for J & S Enterprises and online force in the personal self-defense products market. Serving the personal protection industry since 2004 J & S Enterprises offers Tasers, Stun Guns, Pepper Sprays, and Mace Defense Sprays. For more information on the products offered by J & S Enterprises and a link to check for Sex Offenders in your area go to: http://www.safeselfdefense.com

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Could you become the next victim of abuse? Domestic abuse does discriminate in age or gender. Like so many women I did not believe that it could happen to me. I thought my education and background would save me from domestic abuse. I was wrong however.

In my book “Be Careful Who You Marry” I recount the domestic abuse I endured in my marriage. In hindsight all the signs were there that I could be the next victim of domestic abuse.

From my experience and through observing other domestic abuse relationships some women are predisposed to experiencing domestic abuse in their relationships during there life time.

The first place to look for the signs that a woman could be abused would be to look at the family history. Children that grow up in an abusive home are more likely to be abused or be abusers.

Personally, my mother experienced domestic abused and so did my grandmother. I vowed never to let a man put his hands on me, but I didn’t vow to never let a man manipulate me psychologically, abuse me verbally, or abuse me mentally.

Though some would not define this behavior as domestic abuse the damage it causes is often greater than physical abuse. Anyone experiencing or has experienced this knows that mental and verbal abuse can cause low self-esteem and is the precursor to physical abuse.

I was fortunate enough to leave my marriage before I suffered at the hand of my ex-husband. I saw the signs that physical abuse would happen and got out of the relationship as the mental and verbal abuse became progressively worse. The best thing I did was leaving the relationship before I hit or even killed.

Low self-esteem is another factor in determining if a woman could become a victim of domestic abuse. My observation has been that women who suffer from low self-esteem are more likely to accept any type of behavior from their partners in order to maintain the relationship.

I spoke with an older woman who was experiencing psychological abuse from her boyfriend. When I asked why she stayed in the relationship she said that she was too old to find someone else and that she accepts his mistreatment because she didn’t want to be alone. I have found that it is much better to be alone or feel loneliness than to be victimized by abuse of any form.

People pleasers have a way of contributing to being abused. In my childhood I never really rebelled. I would do anything my mother said for fear of making her angry.

All I ever wanted to do was please her. As I became older and as my mother would try to control my choices in life I felt the need to be in a relationship to get away from my mother.

Relationships were my escape from the control I was feeling at home. In relationships I could do anything I wanted, until I met my ex-husband. One of the reasons I stayed in the relationship longer than I should was because I was comfortable with pleasing and being controlled.

I didn’t realize that I was contributing to my own abuse in this way until I left the relationship. I never wanted to make my ex-husband angry so I did whatever he asked me to do for fear of being verbally abused. I had repeated the pattern that I learned all of my life.

Although these are indicators that a woman could be abused physically, mentally, or verbally it does not indicate that abuse will happen.

Frances E. Elizabeth is the author of “Be Careful Who You Marry,” a non-fiction book about her short-lived marriage to a con-artist. More information about Frances E. Elizabeth can be found at her websitehttp://www.franceseelizabeth.webs.com.

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Domestic violence help comes in all shapes and sizes. There is the crisis hotline to get you where you need to go ASAP. Then, there are the community domestic abuse support groups that assure you that “you are not alone.”

Your domestic violence shelter will give you all the resources for your immediate transition from the danger you live to safe housing. They may even have a domestic abuse legal advocate that will help you with your legal matters.

But what about your psychological care, who will tend to that? You can find a counselor or therapist with clinical background in domestic violence. Sometimes you may scratch your head wondering if you know more about domestic abuse than the therapist. Other times, you can hit the jackpot and find the professional healthcare provider that helps you usher yourself out of the darkness into the light.

Do you know the help you will want to secure in your quest to end domestic abuse? Do you know where you will find each piece of the puzzle as you transition from being in an abusive relationship to reclaiming yourself and your life?

Far too often domestic violence survivors don’t really know what they need or where to find it when they need it most. The more homework you do upfront, the better you will be in the long run.

The following is intended to help you inventory your needs and prioritize your securing help in meeting these needs.

1) Create an alliance with your local public abuse services for all immediate needs and steps to protect yourself from imminent danger.

2) Familiarize yourself with your residential options before you jump out of the “nest.”

3) Compile your personal documents and get your finances in order as best as can be done, even though you may not be accustomed to finance management.

4) Secure information and resources to help you obtain any protective orders you believe necessary to minimize conflict and danger by your abusive partner, especially upon and after your departure.

5) Engage a health care provider that is knowledgeable about the psychological, social and legal aspects of domestic abuse to help your navigate from the chaos to closure.

As in any journey, once you get your ducks in a row and line up your resources and soldiers, you will move from point A to point B more successfully. Your planning is key to your designing your exit and the outcome of your departure.

For more information and help in your planning, see Domestic Violence Resources. Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps people recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse at home and in court. Copyright 2009 http://www.EndDomesticAbuse.org/ebooks.php

Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Violence Prevention and Intervention

Kind, compassionate Dr. X looks at his bruised patienta victim/survivor of domestic violenceand confidently breathes a sigh of relief thinking, Thank God, she admitted it. Now, all she needs is a barracuda attorney to get her and her children to safe waters.

Not necessarily so! A barracuda attorney could usher her, and her children, from the frying pan to the fire. This is an ugly secret that many people only know from having been there or from watching another get burned.

One of the most dangerous myths about family violence is that family court will protect victims of domestic abuse. In truth, this court can be used as a vehicle for the continuation of the abuse dynamic.

Abuse is fundamentally about control, and so is litigation. Two parties fighting in a legal action are essentially battling for control, and the perpetrator thrives in this arena.

When there is a gross disparity of income between the parties and when the perpetrator controls the family finances, the perpetrator can easily control the litigation because he who pays is in the drivers seat.

He can taunt, torment and terrorize his victim through financial starve out tactics, legal-psychiatric ploys, the threat of custody litigation. Abusers know that nothing will devastate their victim more than seeing their children endangered, so they use the threat of obtaining custody to extract agreements to their liking. And, such behavior can go on indefinitely.

When we couple the pathology of a batterer with an economically driven industry, we end up with the most perverted self-sustaining abuse dynamic imaginable: victim/survivors tied to their perpetrators and helpless abused children placed in the hands of their batterers.

Sadly, this occurs nationwide for women whose children are sexually assaulted, women whose children are physically beaten on a regular basis and children who run away. These children and their protective parents are not guaranteed protection in family court.

That does not mean they wont get it; it means they cannot assume they will get it. Yet, patients and their healthcare providers often unknowingly believe that protection from the court is automatic.

Domestic violence requires a specialized intervention and family court is not the forum in which to obtain it. Family court is about splitting up the property and separating the people, without holding anyone accountable for their behavior during the marriage. And without accountability, domestic violence continues.

Doctor, you are the gatekeeper for domestic violence in your community. You are the one who has the opportunity to see domestic violence in the early stages of its progression.

And once youve seen it, you make the referrals. Refer your patient to a domestic violence specialist firstand also to the appropriate parties, given the regulations of your state and organization in which you operate.

Dr. Jeanne King helps individuals and healthcare providers recognize and stop domestic violence before it spirals out of control. She is a seasoned psychologist, national speaker, author and leading expert in identifying the subtle communication patterns of intimate partner violence. 888-782-0723 http://DrJeanneKing.com/

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by Margaret Paul, Ph. D.

“He is always blaming me for the bad things that happen in his life, and then he tells me it’s my controlling him that is making him so angry. He yells at me and puts me down rather than deal with his own feelings. How can I get him to see that he is the one trying to control me?

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pre marriage counseling

The counselors for pre marriage counseling are often Christian doctors who take a strong focus on creating and maintaining healthy family structures. This is only possible through communication and understanding.

How can you possibly know how your partner handles stress when nothing has come up to really test him or her? How do you know whether you’ll want kids or will want to retire early?

Is your partner harboring any emotional damage from previous relationships? By identifying strengths and weaknesses, couples will have a better chance of staying together and preventing a costly and often messy divorce.

The question of when to seek marriage counseling before the big day may be dicey. It’s sort of like a prenuptial, which some people may find offensive or as admonishing the fact that “Hey things may not work out as planned!”

As the practice of counseling for couples becomes more widespread, this becomes less an issue, though. To help guide you, the California Association for Marriage Family Therapists came up with several criterion. If you’re young and have never married, then go!

If one partner is “commitment-o-phobic,” then go! If there are unresolved issues regarding money, parenting, household responsibilities, work or sex, then go! If one or more partners have had a previously failed marriage, go! If you feel you’d like added conflict resolution skills, go!

Lastly, if there has been a history of childhood or domestic abuse, go! Sometimes these seemingly minor obstacles can become full-blown catastrophes later, so it’s important that they’re addressed early and professionally.

Research shows that money is the #1 thing new couples argue over, which can be addressed through pre marriage counseling. Marriage therapists say the major underlying source of financial conflict is lack of communication.

Prior to getting married, you should identify your spending habits. Are you a “big spender” or a “big saver?” Sometimes, there is a communication breakdown as each side tries to win the power struggle.

Additionally, there could be “The Done Deal” type who makes financial decisions like opening new credit cards or investing in a rental property without telling his/her spouse until it’s too late.

Some people are also vulnerable to “keeping up with the Joneses,” buying out-of-budget cars, boats and gadgets, which drives more practical spouses up the wall. Holidays are another time when communication about spending tends to breakdown. Lastly, forgetting to tell a spouse about past debts can escalate into arguments galore.

Many pre marriage counseling sessions are more like educational courses, rather than therapy. The counselors are there to teach you ways to comfort your crabby partner after he or she has had “the worst day ever.”

They’ll show you how to communicate your needs and wants without nagging, complaining or accusing. They’ll teach you how to overcome marriage-killer behavioral patterns like stone-walling, criticizing, defensiveness and contemptuousness.

Before you say “I Do,” you can learn your personal conflict styles and recognize the relationship’s strengths and possible weaknesses, which will create better understanding in the long run.