Post Divorce – 3 Ways to Gauge How You’re Doing As You Move Through Your Divorce
Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010
Divorce is a major blow. Only the death of a loved one has more impact on someone’s life. People who take the “high road” approach to their divorce, as well as to life generally, usually succeed at having the life they really want.
As the post-divorce time frame plays out – and even begins to recede in the rearview mirror – there are worthwhile “self-checks” that help you monitor how you’re handling yourself.
What have you learned? There are so many things to understand about the opposite sex, about relationships, about your ex – and most importantly about yourself. You can surprise yourself, disappoint yourself, but you can also come to recognize and truly appreciate your strengths.
How well did your mind work? How honest and how good was your conversation with yourself as you dealt with your problems? What part of your relationship problems were you responsible for? What could you have done differently? How much did you lie to yourself about what was going on? How much did you avoid facing the truth?
This isn’t “blaming.” Learning from past mistakes means you’re less likely to repeat them in the future. Plus, you also “learn” that you have strengths and admirable qualities that forever puts some of your self-doubt to rest.
What are your kids seeing when they see you going through your divorce? Do your kids see you moving through this difficult time in your life with honor and courage? Sure, your kids love you. They’re rooting for you to be happy, and they need you – big time.
They also can be incredibly demanding, draining, and self-centered. You’re their teacher. You show them how to live. Do they see you managing your feelings, focusing, taking on problems, keeping up the functioning – all the while being “there” for them?
Remember – “perfect” is off the board, so don’t spend too much time fretting about that. It’s the honesty with yourself that matters. Kids have no problem with less-than-perfect parenting, provided they also see that you’re “on duty,” not overwhelmed, keeping track of what the kids are up to, and looking to get things right.
It’s a real job. Children need their parents to be engaged in their lives despite whatever else is going on. That means remaining consistent, maintaining standards, having expectations, and setting limits – not being afraid to say “no.” They need you to be their parent, not their best friend.
Are you a class act? Even when the ex rightly deserves most of the blame, it’s better to focus on what you can do right. Being a quality person in the present, and not giving in to vengeance, jealousy, hurt, and anger (no matter how justified) is the way to go.
You need to function, maintain the household, perform adequately (or even better) at work, and be the best parent to your children you can possibly be. You’ll be glad forever that you were, and there will be so many fewer problems because you operated that way.
Don’t waste time bad-mouthing the ex – don’t put that burden on your kids. Be kind, be as cheerful as possible, help others, take care of yourself physically, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. It’s amazing how you get what you need when you’ve positioned yourself to receive it.
Do you need help sticking to the high road?
Read more about how to turn your divorce into an opportunity to thrive as a person:http://divorceconversation.wordpress.com
Shaun Kieran has been helping people learn from the events in their lives for more than 30 years. He is a Professional Coach and Consultant.
For more about the effect divorce has on people and families, as well as information, support, and ideas about how to manage your divorce, visit Shaun’s blog, The Divorce Conversation, at http://divorceconversation.wordpress.com
