How to Say No and Mean It
by Daryl Campbell
If you are of a certain generation, you may remember hearing it upon its initial release or you could have heard it recently on some oldies radio station. By it, I mean the old song that goes, “Everybody plays the fools sometimes. There is no exception to the rule.”
There are many circumstances where playing the fool happens to the best of us. One of those circumstances where you can feel particularly vulnerable is in a dating relationship. You want to please the other person so in turn they will like you that much more. This includes getting into situations that you do not feel comfortable. So how do you avoid these situations? By using one word that has more power than we give it credit for having. No.
It is hard to put forth a good “no” and stand by it. For whatever reason, it makes many of us uncomfortable. If your date wants to go to a nightclub that you detest, you may initially say no but wind up going anyway. Why is that? Because the chances are that you wavered and in so doing your date picked up on it. From there, it was easy for them to wear down your resistance. Did you have a good time at the club? Not even a little bit.
In the book, The Artist Way written by Julie Cameron there is a quote which states, “Saying no is the ultimate self care.” Her point is not to let yourself get caught in poor me situations. This means doing something the other person may want but it is guaranteed to leave you feeling miserable.
So how do you stick by that no and mean it?
1. The Voice
A wavering no is a cautious yes in disguise. You do not have to get angry about it but make sure your tone is firm and consistent. The consistent part is especially important during the follow up. The chances are if the other person is determined to get their way then one no will not get the job done, so be ready.
2. The Reasons
If you do not want to go to that nightclub then offer your date valid reasons why and stick to them. Saying you do not want to go because you do not want to go is not a good answer. If however you put forward legitimate explanations, it tells your date you are serious. Yes they may try to negotiate your reasons for answering no. Just stand by those reasons and pretty soon your date will realize trying to convince you is a lost cause. .
3. No Apology
If you give valid reasons with a firm tone and then turn around and apologize, you are asking for trouble. Your date may sense that you are feeling guilty about your answer and start the whole process over again; figuring this time they will definitely wear you down and get you to say yes. Even if you feel you must apologize for the circumstances, never apologize for your answer.
The word “no” is a tough one. Sticking to it can be even tougher especially if you really like the person you are dating. But giving in to the other person all the time benefits no one in the long run. That is why it is important when you do say no to be firm, offer valid reasons why and make no apology for your answer. If the other person likes and respects you, they will realize that saying no is sometimes in the best interest of both parties.
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